Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
