she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
