1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
