My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
