I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
