his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
