Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
