we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
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