it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
