hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
