I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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