my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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