Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
40s are totally the cure
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
