dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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