Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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