you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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