Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I am one with the molecules
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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