I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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