god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
