I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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