I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
