I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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