i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
His nipple licking is glorious
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