is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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