wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We left the knife in your bed.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We had sex on a dog bed..
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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