I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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