The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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