I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
