You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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