You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
