just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
