Fine. I'll sleep in my office
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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