I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
