matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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