Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
