My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
