Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
