I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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