That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize