Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
