Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
