I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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