i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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