Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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