The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
