He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
