saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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