That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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