Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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