Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
