Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
