how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
