She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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