I think scott just propositioned me for sex
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
