I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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