I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
