saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
