I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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