What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
