Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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